The life I lost
Posted 3 years ago by
No one ever believes me, and none may. I have no documentation, no evidence, nothing to support my claim. I have done many research of why I am different, why I am able to see such things; but, no report, no article, no research has ever come to a conclusive decision or diagnosis. I don't know why I can remember and see when other people can't. I look at my mother, and I cry... I cry because I know the truth. I look at my sister, and it hurts me even more. The only two people in my life, are the people that are slowly taking my life away- without them even knowing...
I remember running in a corn field. It was hot, but windy; I can still smell the fresh dirt that was being dug by my wife. While I chased a dog out of our farm she plowed the field and prepared the dirt for a new harvest. Dogs, they don't know when to stop eating; if I let him eat, he'll surely crumple down all of our corn again. I came back to the garden where my wife was; she's pregnant and expecting soon. I stopped her from tilting the land, and told her that the other men and women will help me finish our farm. I guided her back home and demanded her to rest for the rest of the days until our child is born. Our house, it felt so homely and warm; while others may see it as only sticks and hide, I saw our castle, my castle. My wife, Daania, resisted my care for her and wanted to remain helping as much as possible, but I fear complications with her body and the baby may incur if I let her be, so I had the other women in the village comforted her. I joined the other men and we went hunting. That summer, life was great, and my wife gave birth to our daughter, Darshani. I was the most happiest man alive!
When Darshani became 9 years old, I taught her how to ride horses. It was not a custom for women to ride horses, but I wanted to make sure Darshani had no disabilities. Darshani became really good at riding horses, so I taught her how to tame horses too, soon Darshani became quite the horse charmer. Daania was again pregnant, and the shaman predicted that I would soon have my heir. I was really grateful for the blessing and expected to have a son by the following autumn. However, life hits you hardest when you least expect it. Winter came too soon, and we could not fare my son well enough. He left us, and I miss him so dearly. I loved him, but I don't remember his name. I can't remember his name at all; I tried over and over, but I can never remember his name. All I know is how he looked like, and how long he stayed with us. It's truly sad when a father can't even remember his only son's name.
The next spring, Daania became sick. With all the shamans in the village, we failed to revive her soul and so Daania left Darshani and I behind; her body never recovered from giving birth to my son. Daania and I were all alone, the house became quite and dark; it was no longer a castle, but a defeated fortress. I had lost my best friend and the will to live on. On the day we set fire on my wife's corpse, my whole life flashed before my eyes, all the happy times I had with Daania, all the times Daania and I made love, all the times Daania and I held each other flooded my eyes with tear; they overflowed and I cried wanting to die along with Daania, but a little hand held my hand with her tight grip. Darshani cried out loud so I wouldn't need to, she whimpered so I wouldn't shiver, and she hugged me so I wouldn't give up on life. On that day, I made a promise to myself to never leave Darshani alone, and to be the father that deserves her love.
With the absence of a mother figure in our family, I taught Darshani the ways of the male gender; she would attain the skills that my son would have, and live life to the fullest as an independent women. Darshani became a great fishermen; she speared more fishes than I could ever in one day. She became my world, and I would protect her from anyone and anything. At 13 years old, I remember a suitor approached her, but I didn't allow her to wed. I told her that her suitor did not have enough trade to begin with, and that he was lazy. I would never give my other half to a lazy bum! However, it wasn't long until Darshani was taken from me too.
I remembered it quite clearly, they came with such force, and it was all over within an instant. An army of horse riders surrounded our village and scattered our people. We were not prepared, and so many of us died without ever seeing the enemy. As I quickly look for my tomahawk, Darshani grabbed my spear and ran out to face our oppressors. I ran out after her to prevent her from being killed. I grabbed her from behind and she fought to set free, but I held her tight. I told her to run away, and never look back. It was then that I felt a really sharp pain at my right ribs. The impact took my breath away, and my body quickly became heavy. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stand, I couldn't crawl; all my energy left my body in that one blow. I fell to the side and fought furiously just to breathe. Dizziness and blurred vision started setting in, but I remembered seeing Darshani crying while I lay on my side. Her tears streamed down her cheeks, her hands shook me to keep my consciousness, and she cried and screamed at me, but I couldn't hear any of it. Her audio became only vibrations but I knew she was crying, and I knew I was dying. Her hands were covered in my blood, and she was trying to get me up. Tears started to roll down my eyes as it hit me that I would too leave my Darshani, that I would never be there for her wedding, that I have failed to protect her. I had been pierced by either an arrow or tomahawk, and started coughing out blood. In a blink of an eye, I saw a rope with a loop at the end flying in the air, and it landed right on my Darshani's neck. In the next blink, I see her choking and being dragged away by a horse rider. Her scream vibrated loudly, and all I could do was reach my arm out to her; that was the last time I ever saw Darshani. I don't know what happened to her or our village, all I know is, on that day, I died.
Today, I am no longer called Ubayy, nor am I of Native American anymore. I am Caucasian, 21 years old, and living with my mother and sister. However, I don't see my mother as Teresa, nor do I see my sister as Emily; instead, I see Daania and Darshani, respectively. It hurts, it really does, to be the only one affected with these past memories and have old emotions run through your body day in and day out. Can you blame me though? I used to be married to my mother, and in turn, gave birth to my sister. It's such a weird feeling of taboo, but it makes such perfect sense to me having all my old memories. I've been dreaming the same dream ever since I was 6 years old- it was like, all of a sudden, I just remembered everything. I want to forget, so badly that we sought out doctors and psychiatrists, even went under hypnosis. However, the feelings and emotions are too strong, and I can never forget them. I am still madly in love with Daania, and I still regret so much for failing to protect Darshani; but that was a different world. I may have the same soul, but I am a different person now. I have to forget, I have to let this life have a chance, I have to move on and not dwell in the past. I find myself unconsciously calling my mother and sister by their Native American names, than quickly correcting myself. It's hard, really hard, and very exhausting. At night, I cry myself to sleep, and when I fall asleep, I revisit my past life and relive it all again, every day, every night. I get no rest.
I currently live alone. I have intentionally distant myself from my mother and sister; they try to understand me, but at the end of the day, no one understands me, or understand how powerful these feelings and emotions are, and what they're capable of doing. I do NOT lust over my mother, but I do know I love her more than a son should ever- I also am very protective of my sister, especially knowing that I failed to protect her once already. This site has lots of crazy and scary stories, my story is just another addition to it's library. Please do not let my story bring you down, it is all in the past, and no matter how much I love those two, I can never relive my old life. Thank you for reading my life, and I hope you live your life to it's fullest.